The talking stage is the period when two people are getting to know each other romantically, before they have called it dating or agreed on anything. You may text every day, flirt, and maybe meet up, but there are no promises yet. In one survey, about six in ten young adults saw it as a step toward commitment. There is no standard length, though in one small survey of young adults at a single university, respondents most often said about one to six months.
What people actually mean by “just talking”
The most detailed study we found appeared in the journal Emerging Adulthood (Hardesty and colleagues, 2024). The researchers surveyed 403 students at one public university and held focus groups with 37 students. As reported by PsyPost, students described “just talking” as a romantic or sexual stage that is mainly non-committal, can include physical intimacy, and can lead to a formal relationship. They saw it as deeper than a hookup. One participant described it as, in effect, a label without a label.
Students also disagreed widely on how much emotional and physical closeness it involves. That disagreement is probably the most useful finding for anyone in this stage: you and the person you are talking to may well have different definitions.
A second survey, described by D. Scott Sibley of Northern Illinois University in a 2024 article for the Institute for Family Studies, asked 655 emerging adults about it:
| Survey finding (655 emerging adults) | Share |
|---|---|
| See “just talking” as a step toward a committed relationship | 60.9% |
| Believe it involves hooking up | 30.7% |
| Agree it involves casual sex | 21.5% |
| Would rather “just talk” than go on dates | 7.6% |
So most respondents viewed it as a path to something, and few preferred it to going on actual dates. The article does not explain how participants were recruited, so treat these figures as a guide, not as a description of everybody. The studies we found focus on college students and young adults, so they may not describe dating in your 30s or later.
How long should the talking stage last?
No research establishes a correct length. The closest figure we found is from a 2023 honors thesis at East Carolina University, which surveyed 195 young adults. Those who were single or currently talking to someone most often agreed that it lasts about one to six months, and the thesis reports wide variation on what is appropriate at this stage. That is one group’s view, on one campus, not a rule.
A more useful approach is to look at what has happened rather than how much time has passed. These checkpoints are our suggestion, not a research finding:
| Checkpoint | You are moving forward if | Worth noticing if |
|---|---|---|
| After a couple of weeks of steady messaging | One of you has suggested meeting or a video call | Plans stay vague and every chat stays on the app |
| After two or three meetings | You know whether you want to keep seeing each other | You see each other only late at night, or at the last minute |
| Around four to eight weeks of regular contact | You have shared what you are each looking for | The topic gets dodged whenever it comes up |
| Past two or three months | You have talked about dating, exclusivity, or what you are | You are still guessing, and it bothers you |
Long-distance connections, busy schedules, and recent breakups can all justify a slower pace. What matters is whether the slower pace has been discussed. If you are unsure when to take a connection offline, see when to meet in person from a dating app, which also covers safety.
Talking stage or actually dating?
The difference usually lies in what the two of you do and say, not in how much you like each other.
- You are probably still talking if your contact is mainly texting, any plans are made last minute, and you have not met each other’s friends.
- You are probably dating if you make plans ahead of time, go on real dates, and each know what the other is looking for.
- You are in a relationship if you have both said so. In the East Carolina thesis, the transition people agreed on most was simple: one person asks the other to be in a committed relationship.
Going on dates does not necessarily mean you are exclusive, and neither does sleeping together. Unless you have talked about it, assume nothing has been agreed. Our guide to dating multiple people before exclusivity explains how to handle that openly.
Questions worth asking at this stage
The talking stage has one real job, which is to help you find out whether you want to go further. Some questions are easy to ask early and save a lot of time later:
- What are you hoping to find right now, in general?
- How much time do you usually like to spend with someone you’re seeing?
- Are you still talking to other people? (Fine to ask, as long as you are ready to answer it too.)
- What has mattered most to you in past relationships?
- Would you like to meet this weekend?
For help with the first conversations, see how to start a conversation on a dating app and how to communicate your dating intentions early.
What to say when you want to move past it
You do not need a big speech. Choose the sentence that fits where you are.
To go from texting to meeting: “I like talking to you, and I’d rather do it in person. Are you free for coffee on Saturday afternoon?”
To learn where they stand: “I’m enjoying this and I’m looking for something that could become a relationship. Is that where your head is too, or are you looking for something different?”
To move into a relationship: “I don’t want to see anyone else, and I’d like us to be together. How do you feel about that?”
What to say when you want to end it
Since nothing has been promised, a brief and kind message is enough, especially if you have not met or have met only a couple of times.
“I’ve enjoyed talking with you, but I’m not feeling a romantic connection and I don’t want to keep you guessing. I wish you the best.”
If you have been seeing each other for a while or have grown close, a call or conversation may be more considerate, if it feels safe. Our guide on saying you are not interested kindly has more examples.
Signs it has stalled
- You have asked directly about what this is, more than once, and have never received a clear answer.
- Replies come in bursts, followed by long silences with no explanation.
- You are only contacted when it is convenient for them.
- You feel worse about yourself after most of your conversations.
One of these is not proof of anything; people get busy. A pattern is information, however, and you are allowed to act on it without waiting for certainty. If the stage has gone on for months with real intimacy but still no clarity, it may have become something else. Read what a situationship is and see whether the description fits.